There are very few things I believe in in this world. In fact, having beliefs is one of my top three worst skills, right behind giving opinions and making choices. But one of the few things I do believe in is that sometimes you just have a bad day and there is no salvaging it. It is such a bad day, in fact, that you need to drop whatever you’re doing, cancel all future plans for the day, and flee to your home, where you should remain until the sunrises the next day.

Now, I’m not talking about any old day where things go wrong and you’re just not feeling it. Those are a dime a dozen (unfortunately) and if we did what I instructed above every time our run-of-the-mill bad days came about it would be completely impractical. No, I’m talking about the select few days where it is all just too much and it seems like the universe is signaling to you that you are fucked and you just need to give up and give in.  I call these Big L days.

It’s important to note— and this may sound contradictory to what I just said— that the events that occur on Big L days don’t need to be the most disastrous events to ever happen in your life. Sure, the day I got in my first car crash was a bad day, or the day I got in my second car crash, or the day I got my license revoked by the state for getting in two car crashes within a 24-month period. All bad days, but they weren’t Big L’s. Why? I’m not really sure. I think it’s because despite those singular horrible events, I don’t recall the rest of any of those day’s events being as unbearable. If anything, the Big L’s in my life have been made up of a string of very mundane, commonplace, unfortunate events. And you don’t necessarily wake up feeling like the day is going to end poorly. Often it begins like any other day. It’s only when you’re in the thick of it that you realize it’s time to raise the white flag and retreat home immediately.

I would estimate that in my life, Big L’s happen 3, maybe 4 times a year. In fact, I had one just the other day. I woke up, got ready for work, had a productive yet busy morning. Just as I mentioned earlier, nothing to suggest that my day was going to turn sour. It wasn’t until I was out running errands that a cloud of darkness began to settle over me.

I had plans to run an errand across town, meeting a friend. It was at an inconvenient location but I needed to get it done before the weekend, so I thought I might as well get it over with at the start of the week. I found myself with a bit of extra time on my hands at work and figured I could slip out during lunch to get it done. Off I went. Then, whilst sitting in traffic en route, I received a text from the aforementioned friend. They weren’t available to meet now, could we do it later in the evening?

On the one hand, in the evening meant rush hour traffic. On the other, like I said this was a very inconvenient errand to run and I feared that if I didn’t get it done now it would rear it’s ugly head at a time even more inconvenient than this one. No matter, I texted the friend, I’ll just work at a coffeeshop until then. When would they be available? 6 pm or later, they said. The only coffeeshop that was nearby closed at 5 pm. Maybe I could work there until close and take a stroll around the neighborhood and call my mother? I felt the first signs of Big L began to creep— though I didn’t know it yet— when I looked outside my window and whatever the opposite of rose-tinted glasses shrouded my view. I saw LA through a pessimist’s lens, a dirty disgusting place that was hot and sweaty and filthy and smelled of pee. Was I really going to waste my precious hour being sweaty and breathing in noxious fumes? I clenched the steering wheel and pressed on the gas. I was determined to get this shit over with.

Upon my arrival at the cafe, I was greeted by a sign taped to the door: “Closing at 3:30 :(“ (And yes, the frowny face was drawn on.) Ok, so now I had two and a half hours to kill before the meeting… Things were looking grim.

In shock from the sudden shift in my plans (I become quite frigid in times of stress, just ask anyone who’s ever been to the airport with me), I went in and ordered a coffee. I can still make this work, I lied to myself, I still have a solid hour that I can work here. Then I’ll just figure something else out for the rest of the time. I paid $4.50 for my drip coffee.

Side rant

Ok, I don’t want to be a boomer about the coffee but 4-fucking-50?! For a drip?! Eat my ass! (Did I mention I become very irritable and inflexible under stress????)

With the precious hour I had in the air-conditioned building with wifi, I searched the area for another hang out spot I could spend until 6 pm. Absolutely nothing. That is, not unless I wanted to spend a bunch of money on food I didn’t want to eat or wandering around in a Target. (Which does sound fun but again would lead to money spending.) I looked up from my laptop and across the street I saw a sign for a hair salon.

This is the second sign I should have recognized as the universe telling me today wasn’t going to be my day. Because, dear reader, as I looked upon neon “Open” sign of the salon, I thought to myself, fuck it, maybe I finally get that hair cut I’ve been talking about, today. Might as well since I have so much time to kill. And speaking of doing this I’ve been meaning to do, why don’t I have them shave my fucking head? I have always wanted to, so why not now? You have to understand that at this point I was hot, stressed, and honestly, maybe menstruating, so my decision-making skills, which are questionable under the best circumstances, were down right volatile at this moment in time.

I tried to look up the business online to get an idea of how much a quick shave would cost. I may be impulsive, but I’m also very cheap. I was hoping but some miracle there would be some sort of special posted on their website that they were doing a limited time deal where they shave your head for free for a 5-star review or something. That would have been a true sign from the universe. But alas, I found nothing. Literally nothing. This was the type of mom-and-pop shop that didn’t have a social media presence whatsoever. No website, no Facebook page, one very inaccurate Yelp page that listed the business as a dentist’s office, and a handful of five-year-old 3 star reviews. I thought about just walking across the street and going in the establishment myself to inquire about their prices but then that would cut into my precious work time at the coffeeshop that I was already wasting on looking up other places to be after the cafe closed! I was in a real conundrum. And that’s when it finally dawned on me: Today was a Big L Day.

The most important rule of a Big L day is: under no circumstances should you try to “make lemonade” so to speak out of the proverbial lemons life has dispensed to you that day.

You may think, “why not make the best of the situation? Maybe I’ll go and treat myself to a lovely meal, or buy myself a little treat to soothe my aching soul.” While that may be the perfect remedy for a normal horrible no good very bad day, on a day like a Big L day, it’s too late for that. The more you try to fight back on the universe, the more opportunities you give the universe to screw you over. The only course of action is to go home.

So, after going through the five stages of grief— 1) denying the idea that this place didn’t have a website, 2) angrily punching my keyboard when still no results came up, 3) bargaining by calling the number they had listed out front only to have a phone operator tell me the line was disconnected, 3) nearly breaking down in depression sobs, and finally 5) accepting that today wasn’t the day I begin my life as a bald person— I shut my laptop and sent my friend the following text:

After that, I got in my car, sat through 45 minutes of traffic, tried to change the song on my iPhone eight times but nothing was good, punched my phone, almost got in a wreck, and finally arrived home.

As I walked through the kitchen, I remembered that the dishwasher needed to be emptied. Now, I had to think very carefully about my next move here, because sure, I had already technically completed the final step and made it to my home, right? I was safe, right? But that’s the thing about Big L days, you never know if you’re safe. And who knows what could happen if I decided to slip in a quick little productive task like emptying the dishwasher? What if I dropped a plate, or dropped my ring in the filter, or sliced my finger open on a knife? Anything could happen! Well, I thought to myself, I could at least but my lunch containers in the sink. I reached in my backpack to retrieve my lunch box only to find it empty. I had left the lunchbox in my car. That was the final sign, that I really truly needed to give up and go to my room.

And it here that I remained for the rest of the night all the way up to right now, as I sit and write this before I go to work, where today will surely be better because two Big L days can’t happen in a row… right?

---

Lesson: Not all bad day’s are Big L’s, but all Big L’s are bad days.