TW: Throughout this blogpost I use language like “guy” or “man” or “guy-man,” however, I am referring to the royal “guy-man,” that one that can be male/female/nonbinary/agender/etc presenting individuals. #NotAllMen (But also I feel like this person is a man [derogatory])

A couple weeks ago, I come home to see something waiting for me at the foot of the door. A bag of mystery food. I think to myself, what could this be? Did I drunk order something on DoorDash? Is it secretly a bomb?

Well I opened it and it seemed to be none of those scenarios.

The First Incident: Arby’s

The Order:
2 Beef N’ Cheddar Sandwiches
	Extra Cheese
1 Large Unsweetened Iced Tea

I know what you’re gonna say, it was already a big red flag that the guy order from Arby’s moreover it was anything but the curly fries (the only acceptable thing to eat from that hellhole) but I was feeling optimistic (and hungry) that day and decided to give the person the benefit of the doubt. I suppose liking Arby’s and being a stand-up citizen who should be allowed to experience joy and good things in life don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

So, with no way to contact the original consumer, I decided to eat the meal myself. (Also because I have a thing about food waste and, to a certain extent, will eat things I hate just to avoid throwing it away [see this.])

It was rough, friends. I really had to grit my teeth and just chew and swallow, no tasting, to finish the two extra cheesy beefy abominations. But I did it. And all the mother’s would be proud that I saved a life in Africa by gorging myself on food I didn’t need.

At this point, in my mind, this was still a fun little treat. Even though I didn’t like the food, I was given a surprise gift and it’s the thought that counts, right?

Last Week: Pasta Express

Wrong.

The Order:
1 Manicotti
	Add Peas
	Add Mushrooms
	Add Crab
4 Rolls
1 Large Unsweetened Iced Tea

First of all: what the fuck, ew!

Pasta Express. It’s carbs and butter, what can go wrong? I’ll tell you what: Peas. Crab. Another unsweetened ice tea. (Mushrooms are delicious tho)

This man had horrible taste!

I come home from a hard days work of avoiding work and memeing to find another mystery delivery and again it’s disgusting food!

I’m embarrassed to say the stingy bitch part of me won out again though. And it came with a price.

I told myself I’d take it slow. I don’t gotta sprint the marathon, I’ll just eat a quarter of the giant container of manicotti with a side of shitass nasty instead of all of it all at once.

Well it turns out that maybe the order had been sitting in front of my door longer than it should have for a dish containing seafood in a land-locked state. All this to say, I vomited that night and it probably wasn’t food poising. Just the consequences of my own actions 😔

Today: McDonald’s

The Order:
1 Big Mac
	Extra Cheese
	Extra Mayo
1 McChicken
	Extra Mayo
1 Large Unsweetened Iced Tea

Come. On. My guy.

How do you screw up Mickey D’s?! Extra mayo?! What are you, my nephew?! (I’m sorry to call you out like that Nephew but you know who you are and you know what you’ve done.) Also, no fucking fries. What the fuck?

You would think that after the first time this guy doesn’t get his order he’d wise up and make sure he’s got the right address inputted. Apparently not.

But also, what does this guy do when he doesn’t get his food? Just shrug and say “c’est la vie” and not mourn his lost money? Wow, must be nice to have such a wide range of disposable income you can practically throw it away numerous times on food orders you never receive!

Alternatively, maybe this guy is getting them? Maybe there’s a a glitch in the system and he’s got two addresses put in and they get delivered to two different places for the same price? If this is the case, I need to find out where this guy lives, assemble the Queer Eye team, and get him better food preferences stat.

Also I know it’s the same goddamn person because they leave their signature trademark: unsweetened iced tea.

I narrowed it down to a few possible suspects:

Ice-T

That’s too on-the-nose, right? It has to be more nuanced than that… unless 👀…

T-Pain

I mean, it might as well be because that’s what this person’s taste is doing to my digestive system. #stummyhurted #tummyachesurvivor

T-Swizzle

Like I said, it could be a woman. And as a feminist, I believe a woman can do anything a man can, including using psychological warfare to wage an attack on poor, low-standards-having, hungry grad students!

Big-T (a.k.a. My Nephew)

Not pictured because even nephews have rights and I shan’t expose him, for as Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Luke 23:34

Who knows, maybe next time they’ll be an order from Taco Bell but it’ll be beefy five layer burrito with extra sour cream extra onions add tuna aaaaaaaaaaaand 1 large unsweetened iced tea.

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Lesson: If you’re out there and you’re reading this (I doubt it), fuck you and your nasty food and your covert war tactics. You’re ruining my life and I hate you.