Earlier this week it came to my attention that my credit card information was being used for a DoorDash pass that I, in fact, was not responsible for.

That’s right. I’d been hacked.

This ain’t my first rodeo. I’ve been hacked before. There was that one time when my Instagram got hacked.

Or that other time when my wallet was stolen and I got a call from my bank asking me why I was trying to make a $90 purchase at Domino’s Pizza at 2 am. The activity itself wasn’t out of character— when I get a craving, it must be satisfied no matter the cost— but rather the fact that I had failed to enter the correct PIN number 3 times in a row!

But this cowboy’s getting real tired of having to change all their passwords every other day and standing in line at the DMV to get a new ID. Please stop tarnishing my good name and credit score.

This most recent series of fraudulent acts, though, was quite foolish. I mean, come on. DoorDash? Do you even know me, Jason? (The name on the account that my card was tied to.) Evidently not because if you did you’d know I would NEVER subscribe to a food delivery service. ESPECIALLY DoorDash.

First of all, the DoorDash ad is a curse and should be destroyed. Normally I tune out ads same as I tune out opinions I don’t agree with and my own emotions but DoorDash has declared war. I’m watching RuPaul’s Drag Race on Paramount+ and this fucking ad will play twice— sometimes thrice— in a row during commercial breaks and it’s some middle aged white guy talking about his great summer hangs that include an order of boneless pizza and blueberry burgers or whatever abomination brought to him by DoorDash. Well, MAWG some of us didn’t have such a fun summer. Some of us lived a hellish existence from May to August and will return to it in less than a week. So keep your joy to yourself and leave me the fuck alone.

Secondly, part of the fun of getting food to go is the fear of possibly seeing someone you know at the Domino’s when you go to pick up your $90 order at 2 am on a Tuesday. Stop stealing my little joys, DoorDash.

And lastly, if you’re gonna steal my credit card information and spend my money at least tip well, Jason.

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Lesson: Tip your servers.