What character do you relate to most?

You might expect this question to pop-up in a Buzzfeed quiz, taking you one step closer to discovering which The Office character you are and just why it’s Dwight Schrute. Or maybe on one of those dinner table discussion cards you take out of your musty game cupboard because your extended family is in town and now is not the time to get into why you don’t want their family heirloom painting of sad clowns, no matter how much they’re supposed to resemble your grandparents. In my case, this was the question that a coworker asked me while I grated guyere cheese for our $9 grilled cheese sandwich for our cafe, located in the middle of a low-income food desert. And this was the question that sent me on a six-month-long journey of racking my brain to find the perfect answer. Just who did I think was the representation of me in the media?

My coworker, of course, answered with poise and heartfelt sincerity. She said Connie from Steven Universe was one of the few Indian characters in mainstream media and one of the first times she felt she was represented in TV.

And, of course, my first answer was Mushu (racist to myself!) or maybe Donkey. You know, because I’m just so goddamn funny.

However, my coworker and I had only known each other for a couple weeks when she’d popped the question and she didn’t know just how funny I was (poor girl) and I couldn’t just say that and not back it up but also every funny person knows you can’t just “be funny,” it’s a whole lifestyle. Coincidentally though, both characters I chose are voiced by Eddie Murphy who—

Ok, so I was going to do a joke here about something shady Eddie Murphy had done in his past and follow it up with “calm down people I’m not canceling Eddie Murphy” because cancel culture has been on my mind as of late. BUT, I am both happy and sad to report that I couldn’t find anything too scathing after doing a whole one minute of internet searching. (Yeah, I know, big surprise, I sometimes actually do research for these things.) Happy, of course, because that means EDDIE MURPHY has a slightly higher chance of being an alright guy. (I say slightly because he’s still alive and therefore has plenty of opportunities to decrease his chances.) But sad because now my amazing joke can’t come to fruition. Does this make me horrible? Probably, but no more horrid than Eddie Murphy at this point.

— I knew the answer was on the tip of my tongue and I owed it to my coworker to give her the perfect response. So, my search for the character version of me continued.

The second character that came to mind: Paris Geller from Gilmore Girls.

Maybe it’s her snarky remarks or her inability to relinquish control or her natural loud vocal register.

Yet, I didn’t get that tingly feeling you get when you find the absolute perfect answer and I knew it existed somewhere inside my little body! So, I kept quietly obsessing over it.

I’m happy to say that, six months later, I finally have the perfect answer to this. I am… Marty from Madagascar… 2, specifically.

Some of you might be thinking, why not Po from Kung Fu Panda? He’s adopted. He doesn’t fit into strict traditional Asian culture. He’s also an anthropomorphic black and white animal. And to that I say…

Because I don’t BIOTCH!

If you even know me at all (whichyoudon’tandneverassumeyoudoIcan’tbecontainedIdon’tevenknowmyself!), you know that I couldn’t possibly be Po because I have no trauma related to my adoption whatsoever so that couldn’t possibly be me. Duh!

It’s so obviously Marty because in the second film he accidentally arrives in Africa with his friends and meets a whole herd of other zebra that are all like him. And you’ll know that from the first film that was all he ever wanted. He wanted to be with his people.

Take him to his people, show him some love.

will.i.am, The Traveling Song

It is only after meeting “his people” (will.i.am’s words, not mine) that he realizes this is his worst nightmare.

Because when you’re born different and grow up with the awareness of your uniqueness sometimes it becomes your identity. You start to think “well, if I’m gonna be different, then god dammit, I have to be the most different.”

Marty shows his herd the cool tricks he can do and when they all imitate him (with ease), he is stricken with the horror that he is just like everybody else, even in his difference.

Now, of course, this hits me at my more core when it comes to… going to Chinese Heritage Camp where I met other adoptees who also had colored hair and septum piercings (and even tattoos!) and who also felt a deep sense of loss and disconnect from their Chinese heritage and an absence of true identity.

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Lesson: What a relief to discover the answer to this question, but at what cost?